I don't think the entry is short at all. Its a story, not a novel. A good use of expression, not much in the way of mystery though. It seems like you're coming right out and saying that she's about to be whisked away somewhere to be asked to marry. Improvement though would be minimal at best, you did quite well, so there's not much to improve on.
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Don't try to tell these people the rum is all gone.
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