The amount of alliteration and word play you have in there just makes my body feel removed from the surface I'm sitting on. It's so well-crafted that it elevates my view of you as a writer- I've seen many people try to do what you did here and most have failed miserably. Aside from the style you've chosen to write it in, the message it has is well-thought out and put forth in an original and intriguing way. It has a note of melancholy in it and a smattering of hope... and those things are extremely effective in stirring emotion at least in me. This is talent. That's what it comes down to.
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