[Tom]

The writing style uses a great charade of details that are thrown in so you can picture the scene; and while you said almost nothing at all about what was actually going on you said a lot about the moment. Its artistic but not very flexible if you were to take it and try and write something longer. The structure is very stiff, and while it flows within the structure, varying too much from simply describing a point in time seems like it would break the mood you set. There were a few words that lost me for a moment; humdrum, for example, isn't exactly a common word that is used in everyday English, and while the meaning is implied, it still seems out of place.

Its not quite a poem, but it doesn't quite fit into the general definition of a short story, if that makes any sense. If this is a variant from your normal writing style, if you can meld the two together, it would probably turn out quite spactacular. To be honest I tried picking it to pieces as best I could but can't really find much to complain about.