Very good. I was lost on a few words in the first paragraph... It was a moment thing. Very well described. But what was the actual goings on? All I could get was a girl dancing in a bar... Was that all that was going on? but as I said. the word play was done well and it did captivate me. Other than that. I can't find anything else to critique.. And as tom said. If you did meld the two together.. it might come out exceedingly well.. or bomb.. It all depends on what you do. But I see the first one than the second happening. You do have a good eye for detail and plot. I give you that.
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