Perhaps this will sounds a little harsh, but that isn't my intention. It's brief also, because I don't feel like giving a more in-depth analysis right now.
Problem-wise there are some grammatical errors, and some of the descriptions don't feel quite natural. You used a lot of short sentences, but that's not necessarily bad and can be effective also.
I actually quite like it, perhaps not so much in terms of style, but instead the concept thus far, and I'm interested to see where it is going.
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