script

[Goatboy]

SCHIZOPOLIS


[dark]

The Announcer: And action.

[lights on]

Ladies and gentlemen, young and old... This may seem an unusual procedure speaking to you before the show begins, but we have an unusual subject. When I say that this is the most important show you will ever attend, my motivation is not financial gain but a firm belief that the delicate fabric that holds all of us together will be ripped apart unless every man, woman, and child in this country sees what you are about to and pays full ticket price, not some bargain matinee, cut-rate deal.

In the event that you find certain sequences or ideas confusing please bear in mind that this is your fault, not ours. You will need to see the show again and again until you understand everything. In closing, I want to assure you that no expense was incurred bringing this show to your local theater. And now, in its entirety and proven to heal minor cuts and abrasions we proudly present Schizopolis!

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(1) THE MAN COMES HOME TO HIS WIFE

The Man: Generic greeting.

His Wife: Generic greeting returned.

TM: Imminent sustenance.

HW: Overly dramatic statement regarding upcoming meal.

TM: Ooh. False reaction indicating hunger and excitement.

(2) THEY EAT DINNER TOGETHER

[phone rings]

HW: Obligation. [she gets up and answers phone] Greeting. Mistake. [she hangs up and sits back down]

TM: Semi-innocent query.

HW: Convincingly confused.

TM: Future plans.

HW: Imminent departure. Return as discussed.

TM: Acknowledged.

HW: Uh, location of offspring.

TM: Acknowledged.

(3) HIS WIFE COMES HOME TO HIM

TM: Sneeze.

HW: Generic greeting.

TM: Generic greeting. Obligatory question about the evening's activities.

HW: Oh, qualified, vaguely positive reply. Uninspired description of movie and subsequent conversation with girlfriend.

[she comes up behind him and places her arms around him]

TM: Ooh, really well-rehearsed speech about workload and stress.

HW: ...

TM: Genuine sorrow.

HW: ...

TM: Um, truthful-sounding promises of future satisfaction?

HW: ...

TM: Enticement to agree?

HW: Accepted.

TM: Gratitude.

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[dark]

The Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, young and old...

[lights on]

I know this may seem an unusual procedure, but I thought you might have some questions. And since I'm already here, I can answer some of them. Yes. Yes. Not specifically. I actually find all of them rather weird. Yes. Foot-long veggie on wheat. Thank you.