I am so done.(long. and angsty. yay.)

[AuroraVirtuaFighter]

Yeah, I know this has to be at least my fifth rant of the one-month period. Yeah, I know, Aurora's a nonstop bag of lulz and angst. I just happen to be pissed, nearly fainted on Phaaze, and letting out a load of stress I may have been bottling up while being a "tank" all this frickin time. I am just so damn done.

I am just SO SICK AND TIRED OF *EVERYONE'S* ****. I love how just my presence sends people into uproars. Friend makes a thread about her kittens, all is well. I make a thread about my kittens, it's less "aww look at the kittens" than people opening their big mouths and the thread starting to take a turn away from being about kittens. EVERYTHING I SAY HAS TO BE COUNTERED WITH A ****ING SNIDE INSINUATION (often a VERY sick one) by some moron who has NO frickin life whatsoever. And then this one guy who I thought was my friend? He goes and spreads my ED page around to the new friends I make.

And my guardians. I love them to death, but lately they've been a little on the annoying side too. It's totally necessary to jump on anyone who even glances negatively in my direction, right? No, that doesn't embarrass me or anything. I know they aren't trying to embarrass me, but these guys seriously need to lighten up a bit and I wish they'd quit acting the way they have been lately. They still smile more than they cry, but I can't help but notice that something seems to be hidden under those smiles these days. I'm guessing they're just so done too and don't know what else to do besides attack anyone who even thinks about thinking about laying a finger on me. In addition to being irked, I can't help but feel terribly sorry for them...all they want is for people to stop attacking their little girl, especially when she is ill at the moment, and they just can't get people to stop. They'll scream themselves hoarse at these people every night, but yet they just don't stop. It really makes me feel icky inside to think about what this must mean to them. But still I can't help feeling annoyed at Serah when she outright BRAGS about the fact that she's limited my time on any site that is not FFE or TV Tropes to 2 hours and is aiming to cut it down to one. And yet selfish me just CAN'T keep off the damn Internet, can she? Nooo, she thinks going on there will magically make everything better because it's got nothing to do with Phaaze, or something.

That being said, people need to stop thinking my guardians are homicidal maniacs MY GOD. I see one more "Your guardians secretly want to kill you and make you do bad things" and I swear I am going to completely flip my lid. You know the reason these 81 are so overprotective? IT'S BECAUSE THEY USED TO GET TOO MUCH OF THAT IN *REAL* LIFE AND THEREFORE FEEL INCOMPETENT. No WONDER they are basically mad at everyone who isn't me by now. And this goes for my attendants too...when I see sick crap like "Samus wants you to be a bounty hunter so you will die" I swear I wish I could punch someone in the face through the Internet.

Also, people need to LAY OFF the aforementioned career choice. STOP TELLING ME I'LL NEVER BE A BOUNTY HUNTER BECAUSE OF A MENTAL CONDITION THAT ONLY AFFECTS ME IN *ONE* SPOT IN THE WHOLE WORLD. You do NOT know what I am going to be like when I'm 25 years old. And the people who think I could be a bounty hunter don't want me to. Why? "BECAUSE YOU'LL GET HURT!!!!" So you guys can go have dangerous jobs but I can't, huh? The only person in the world who wants me to be a bounty hunter is my inspiration, Samus Aran. But since she listens to my guardians and their NO SHE'LL GET *HURRTTT!* all the time and attacked the person who made my ED page, I wonder how long THAT will last.

I am just so fed up with everything. And I'm sick of Phaaze, because if it weren't in the way I'd just GET OFF the damn site for a LOT longer than three days by now. And I'm sick and tired of everyone blaming me for randomly falling ill at the age of 14. I totally asked myself to get sick, right? "You wanna be a weapons collector? TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BECAUSE YOU'LL NEVER GET THROUGH 'CAUSE YOU'RE SICK! KISS YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS GOODBYE!" I am also having worse trust issues than I ever had in my life...other people's love literally BURNS now because I am starting to become convinced that none of it can ever be real. I wonder how long it will take before my guardians realize that I've been pushing at them when they try to hold me lately, and why...

Maybe I'm not Samus Aran Jr anymore for feeling this way, but I don't even really care anymore. So much for Little Miss Badass Tank.

[Xuro]

Bounty Hunter is a strange choice of occupation. People that say you won't be a bounty hunter have a right to say such things. Most teenagers have no idea what they're going to be when they grow up, or change their choice of field/degree when they're in college, or even change when they've found they hate the job. It seems unlikely for anyone to make such a decision and actually follow it through, especially if a person doesn't have a good idea about what a job entails. A lot of people think being a game tester would be a fun job, but in reality, its one of the most boring and frustrating jobs in the world. Playing the same buggy, unfinished section of game dozens of times in different ways looking for oddities will wear down anyone, especially if they had different ideas in mind.
I would advise you to stop taking the internet so seriously. There's no reason to get angry at people you don't really even know. You don't know me. You don't even know if I exist. I could be an alternate account of someone else in the forum's already, or a troll's account used for leading you on. I am no one, really. I'm just words in a box. A sequence of letters and spaces. Black pixels on a background of lightly colored pixels. Outside the internet, I may as well not exist. It's probably the same way for 90% or more of the people you meet online. You don't know me and no one really knows you. So why does it matter what anyone says? If you get up to get something to eat or leave the house, all those people are gone and incapable of interacting with you. They're an entire world away. The only thing that gets to you is the words you're reading and connect to a different being. PLEASE don't torture yourself over some words that have someone else's name on them. It just doesn't make sense.

[tug31]

^ wow..... epic quote for the epic win........

[AuroraVirtuaFighter]

Xuro, you have a good point that up until yesterday I thought I followed straight through, no exceptions. But really, constantly harassing a girl who is already ill and has been for three weeks straight, despite that girls' friends warnings to STOP HARASSING HER SHE IS ILL? She's going to snap eventually, Internet or not. I was already weak. Maybe if they had done this in the summer, there would be no breaking point. But now, well, I wasn't as strong anymore in the first place. :\ It's the reason we rarely let Angela Orosco on the Internet, especially if she has bashers somewhere (which she does). The thing is it was much easier for Angela...she had no reason to go on the Internet, nothing in her real life that she just so desperately wanted to get her mind off of. I, however, originally thought all that I mentioned up there preferable to the Dark Samus I mentioned in the other rant. Serah told me that one of the first steps to healing is to realize who my Dark Samus really is...nobody and nothing at the school is trying to hurt me, she said, but the people on the Internet really are..she says only people genuinely trying to hurt me would continue to harass me knowing I am unwell. But (and this is sad but true), I STILL just can't put my finger on which is the larger of two evils.

Earlier I wondered to myself why I even bother continuing to live if it feels like I'm the only person left in the world...I literally have no trust left for anybody, not even my guardians...but for some reason I continue to cling to life. I just refuse to let myself leave this world. Something this one girl (and she is supposed to be one of the NICE ones) said haunted me all last night...she told people not to defend me from the abuse because I "deserved" it. (To which Vanille said "She can kiss my ass" to when I told her about it.) This one new girl was told never to befriend me if she knew what was good for her. People keep telling me that nobody really likes me, the "nice" people only try to put up with me because they are "nice" or they "pity" me but they won't stop telling me that deep down inside everyone secretly is "fed up with my bull****." They keep telling me my guardians want to kill me (by keep telling me, I mean I hear this crap at LEAST once a day now, often more than once) and Samus only wants me to be a bounty hunter so I can get killed in action. This one guy told my friend that people are only friends with me because "they don't understand her running gag" or "because they want to manipulate her for nudes," which squicked Serah out tremendously and caused her to attack the guy. Whenever I say ANYTHING they keep calling it bull**** and every thread I post is suddenly "useless spam" even if it's to post about my kittens or my new TV Tropes or an avatar I made that I wanted crits on. They keep calling me a "fat Italian man" and say I have no right to defend myself because I am just a "fat Italian man." Cybil never figured out the "fat man" this Glados told her about on her first day was supposed to be me, so yesterday the girl decides to tell her because I said something about it while everyone was downstairs (luckily, the girls dismissed it and simply told me not to make jokes like that. Or did they really dismiss it? I can't tell who dismisses ANYTHING anymore). They keep telling me nobody in the world could ever think I'm pretty, and when my guardians disagree they call ME "pretentious and arrogant" just because I am being COMPLIMENTED by people who DO think I'm beautiful. (Or, like I said, do they really? I can't tell anymore.)

And yet I still kept crawling back to these idiots because I preferred all this to my "Dark Samus." Today Serah told me that the real Dark Samuses are not anywhere at the school, that nothing at that school could hurt me, including detention ("Dark Samus"). And still, pathetic me can't figure out who the true Dark Samus is...the detentions or the abusers who finally broke me (and are probably getting lulz out of my having snapped as we speak). Abuse is abuse, regardless of if it's on the Internet or not. I realize that now. Because of it now I back away from everyone and spend literally all my offline time doing nothing but shuddering and whimpering. And who knows how long it'll take me to heal, if ever? Last night I told Vanille that "Dark Samus" will kill me while these guys cannot. But you can almost say they've already killed me before "Dark Samus" even got close to me. But yet I still feel a desire to stay alive...somehow.

I just wish I could realize who the true villain is.

[Xuro]

Abuse is NOT abuse if its on the internet or not. If you're on the internet, you don't have to subject yourself to it. You would actually have to go out, find it, read it, and take it to heart. Why not use non-public methods of communication? Why not make a new account on a different site and keep watch what you say so you aren't easily identifiable? You're acting like you're a battered spouse despite the fact that you have more options. Stop being so attached to your internet identity that you take everything as a personal insult. It's completely separate from your actual self.

[AuroraVirtuaFighter]

Serah: Hello.

Look, Xuro. If this had happened in the summer, you probably wouldn't be seeing this thread here and none of us probably would be having to care for a girl who is now not only afraid of school but has effectively been made afraid of the whole world. And the truth is, Xuro, that abuse is abuse, regardless of if it's on the Internet. She was already ill anyway, she fell ill on the first day of school (which happened to be the day of my inauguration). Harassing a sick girl nonstop is not advisable, whether it's on the Internet or not. These guys went far beyond the realm of "trolling" and "for the lulz." They KNEW she was ill, and they continued to attack her anyway regardless. That is NOT trolling, that is NOT for the lulz, that is attacking someone with the deliberate purpose of getting her to break. In the summer they could've maybe gotten a little bit more away with this because she was strong. They decided to wait until she was already beginning to shrivel up. You can't tell me that is harmless "trolling." It seems to me as if they deliberately waited until they knew she would be sick to start doing the more vicious stuff.

The reason she kept coming back to the Internet regardless of if she was being attacked is she felt that anything these guys said was preferable to her "Dark Samus," which is a detention. She was in constant fear of that so- called Dark Samus unless she was on the Internet, where it, well, didn't exist. What Star needs to do is understand who her real villains are. Me and Lightning keep trying to tell her that getting a detention is NOT something that is going to hurt her, yet these guys constantly are trying to do just that. She won't feel the need to escape her "Dark Samus" at the price of being attacked until her breaking point if she starts believing that. We're trying to get her to believe that.

The damage, though, has unfortunately been done. These guys (who I can only describe as evil. You're not gonna tell me that a huge group of people dedicated to harassing a girl until she broke just to get a laugh is NOT evil) have attacked her and attacked her until they made her afraid of more than just school. I have to commend her for being so strong up until now, but she should have just left when it began to escalate beyond harmless "trolling," but she didn't. Because she lived in constant fear of her "Dark Samus." :\ She's been confused as to who her real villains are and that's all there is to it. Because she was convinced school, where NOBODY tries to hurt her WHATSOEVER (they even nominated her for Homecoming Court there), was the villain and these guys weren't.

It may take her a long time to heal (last time this happened it took her a year to heal), but she is in our hands, and if it takes the rest of our lives we are going to restore her faith in the world and her trust in us. I'm technically allowing her on FFE and her own site as much as she wants, but I don't necessarily want her to continue running even to there...where's the healing if she just keeps hiding? She is going to be healing, though. There's no way we're gonna leave her in this frightened state forever. It's unfortunate that it had to happen, especially over the Internet, but it did and now there's nothing left to do but try to heal her. But I guess I went on a huge tangent. The main thing I came here to say in the first place is that just because it's on the Internet does not mean it's not harassment or abuse. Abuse comes in many forms. :\ What these very evil people did to her was nothing less than that.

I'm not going to make her take a full hiatus from the Internet since she does have friends. But you may not see as much of her as you have been while we're trying to heal her up. When all goes well, she'll come back as that strong girl you knew in the summer. ^^

-Serah Farron

[Chaotic Lionheart]

O,noble frizzy headed cutie who has many names grace us with your awesomeness of epicness and grant us the freedom from reality and make us wonder who you care for truly come to the light and let those who gaze upon your words of sorrow know the of a high schooler whose pain is wrought from the villianous souls of those who try to oppress an innocent angel from the temple of the eastern skies. Let your proud roar of courage echo throughout the world and the net alike to let the fools know you are still standing tall and living

[Xuro]

None of us have to care one way or the other. They abuse you because they think you're just whining and not ill, and large blocks of text explaining how they called you fat or ugly and how sad you are because of it just makes you sound like a child that shouldn't be on the Internet in the first place. You keep getting "abused", and yet, you keep coming back for what will inevitably be more abuse, without attempting to make any sort of changes that could lessen or end the abuse. It's a false dichotomy to say that you either have to suffer alone without Internet friends, or you have to suffer from trolls in Internet forums and chat. People around the world have bigger problems than yours. Dead loved ones, mental conditions so crippling they can't leave the house or be around other people, fighting a losing battle against disease, etc. Obviously, neither you or anyone else has the ability to truly comprehend what others like that are going through, but the fact is that you have it fairly easy in comparison.
Pages of complaining about it aren't going to help you. Dwelling on it isn't going to help you. Just calm down, take a deep breath, and remember that you aren't your Internet accounts. The people that bother you were never going to like you anyway, and there's nothing you can do to change their minds. People that are your friends aren't going to suddenly turn on you because of something someone else said. Neutral people are going to be swayed by how you present yourself. Coming off as a whiny unstable person isn't going to make you any more likable (even if you aren't whining, not everyone is going to see it that way). There's nothing you can do about the "abuse", other than ignore it. Maybe what's happening to you isn't fair. It doesn't matter anymore, though. Regardless of the fact that people shouldn't be messing with you, regardless of your mental and emotional condition, regardless of the things they say, regardless of all circumstances, you shouldn't be taking a faceless person's insults seriously.

[GRAV]

Chaotic speaks absolute epicness.... i second that Chaotic^^

[Garland]

Sazh Katzroy: You think you DIE, and that's it!? You think you DIE and it will all be just SUGAR and RAINBOWS?!

[AuroraVirtuaFighter]

Oh, Garland. xD Thanks..that scene in that trailer made me bawl uncontrollably already, now it's only gonna make me bawl even more now that you found the connection for me. That's a good thing, though. I like it when FF does that.

I have a lot of hope in me now anyway, mainly because my guardians are the most wonderful people in the whole entire world. I cannot believe that after nearly 3 frickin years, Yuna found a way to make "Dark Samus" just about redundant. I understand why it took the whole three years, I was ashamed to speak of the fear in the first place, but I can't believe how yesterday she was really able to make three years' worth of built-up fear feel like it was just melting away right there. I was so touched that I put it in the Troper Tales for Crowning Moment Of Heartwarming on TV Tropes, and I am still touched and typing this makes me want to cry all over again. I just don't understand how I can ever be unhappy with people like her and the others around, really. And I knew she meant what she said, even though I've been having trouble knowing when people mean what they say. Somehow I just knew there was complete truth in her.

As for the Jihl clones on that site, Serah's been adamant about cutting down my time with them to one hour. I'm not used to a one-hour-only Internet time, so she's been letting me go on my own site, TV Tropes, and FFE for longer than I can go on the site with the Jihl clones. What scares me more than anything any of them ever said is that they actually had the audacity to do something like this, especially after I got sick and they knew the old "superhero Aurora" of the summer no longer applied. It's just one of those things that makes you wonder exactly what is wrong with some people. The sad part is the rest of the site actually agrees with what these people are doing and praises it.